Another One Bites the Dust

Ah August you lovely little month you. How I miss ye. September... would you mind leaving please? Or at least starting again. Or how about we just forget the first couple of weeks and make it all about 13th- 30th?

Back to the seductive charms of August. A gentle start with Pilates classes, an acoustic Rae Morris gig, a model scouting job and a couple of gym sessions all in the first week set the month up nicely.

Caroline & I took a train to see our chum Emma in Canterbury. We had a short & sweet stint shopping, lunching, drinking and chatting. It was lovely and long overdue.

That evening, London suffered the first night of its riots that quite frankly I won't waste breath on.

Sunday's weather may have been dark and damp but sat undercover watching As You Like It was a delight. I am so lucky to be included in on so many of Tracy's 40 for 40 fun plans and this was another. I have always wanted to see Shakespeare at the Globe so I am ticking off my own list simultaneously!

I had evening plans but we decided to have a drink. One drink turned into two as we decided to pass time until my Trekstock charity auction ended. I didn't want to be sat on a tube when the bidding ended. We made our way across Millennium Bridge and counted down from ten. An incredible £780 was bid!

The following day my best friend from primary school who is also like a sister to me arrived to stay. We went out and she met my other separated at birth friend and it was great to have them both meet and get on like I knew they would. The riots did their best to spoil the week but we tried to work around them. We had to cancel stuff but it didn't matter. I wish she lived nearer as I always feel sad when we part.

After a trek Q&A evening, Kerry & I went off to Dorset for some hardcore training. It was much needed and we really put the hours in. The first walk was tough and I was worried about how unfit I felt. The second walk felt much easier. It made me cross I hadn't trained harder and for longer over the past months. Sadly I am sat here now with a week to go and feel exactly the same! Eek, how did it get here so fast?

The winner of the auction lives in Istanbul and so we're meeting later in the year which left me with a voucher to redeem. I took Neva as it was her birthday and the restaurant didn't seem too interested in my companion so I didn't mention the change in plan. It wasn't like the press were there or anything!

My dear friend Bebs came to stay and that pretty much always goes the same way. Non-stop talking and a few drinks whilst putting the world to rights and not a single taboo subject left uncovered.

Poor Bebs though, we arrived at Euston and the entire departure board read CANCELLED. She had to go home from St. Pancras via Leeds but as I had a pressing engagement, I left her.

I made my way back to Highgate to meet 2 members of The Slow Readers Club who it turns out had been bidding for dinner with me all week and had been pipped to the post at the last minute. They offered a whopping £500 to meet with me. I know this all sounds a bit weird and I wouldn't want anyone to think I've been pimping myself out but... they wanted me to listen to their new self-financed album and offer advice. We spent 5 hours in the pub so it worked out at £100 per hour. They got a good deal I think. Ha, ha! The fact they donated so generously and even gave me a lift home before making the long journey back up the M1 to Manchester didn't have any bearing on my view. They're a great band. Phew. How bad would that have been if I'd have hated their music and felt compelled to slag it off?

Mondays I try to stay in and this week it was much needed with another busy week planned.

A lovely soiree to celebrate a good friend's birthday on Tuesday. First to arrive last to leave. Oops.

A BAFTA preview screening of An Idiot Abroad followed by a Q&A with Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant  & Karl Pilkington.

At the middle of the week my liver started to scream at me. On my drunken way home after BAFTA and booze, proclaiming to the social networks that my life was great and I was so lucky, so happy etc. etc. I dropped my iPhone and the screen shattered. The August tide turned.

I awoke feeling rough and the torrential rain did little to lift my mood. I made my way to meet a friend but for one reason or another arrived late. I hate tardiness.

After a healthy lunch to help my battered body recover, I headed to a meeting. I waited around for an hour for the woman to arrive and wasn't best pleased when she didn't. I complained quietly until I realized I was a spectacular 24 hours late. I really hate tardiness.

Caught up with Jane on her visit down and once again the stupid unpredictable weather interfered somewhat. I got to take this photo though so it was worth it.

Bank Holiday Monday the funk kicked in. I have no idea why or where it came from but it took a hold of me and refused to budge.

Another busy week was filled with great stuff but all of it tinged with doom and hinged on gloom. 

I walked to Vicki's before a dinner with my adopted nephews. It took me an hour fast pace walking to get there but an incredulous two to get the bus home. "The bus" was actually 2 but it's a long story but not one for a blog. I got in at 1 a.m in the foulest mood due to bus drivers from hell.

Still with a cloud hanging over me, September arrived. It followed me despite the pleasure of seeing Lucy for the first time in 14 months, meeting Patti Rose - the new addition to the Hamer-Stubbs family (and borrowed kit from Rich - star), dinner with my publisher (*meeting went well but an important part of my writing was met with negative comments which threw my mood a shade darker) and adding (or rather, subtracting from) to my ever decreasing fund pot by buying stuff of the trek kit list.

I spent the weekend in a drunken stupor - I might be the reason that word sounds similar to stupid - and hazily made my way through Mark's 30th (fun) and Inbetweeners movie (funny). After two sober sobering days I went spectacularly up and down like a rollercoaster. I shall refer to the incident only as McGate as I wouldn't want to ruin the memory of John Grant - possibly the greatest gig of all time.

My cultural experiences last weekend were intrinsically linked without me realizing - until now in fact. Once more Tracy's list offered me a new experience. We went to Burlesque at Proud Cabaret that was more strip than tease.

The following day I made good use of my National Arts Pass to gain free entry to the Courtauld Gallery to see Toulouse-Lautrec & Jane Avril Beyond the Moulin Rouge exhibition. Saucy lady. 

What a treat to find other permanent collections there by Gauguin, Picasso, Manet, Degas and countless other greats...

On Friday I am going to France to see my lovely Michael & Amy get married (well, technically they wed last Friday). The weather is currently 31 degrees so hopefully it will be a lovely sunny trip. I get back Monday evening and then (drum roll) Tuesday leave for Kenya.

I packed my bag on Saturday to weigh it and make sure everything fits. It was very underweight and does indeed fit. It's all very real now. As David Walliams completed his Thames swim tonight I couldn't help feel an extra surge of motivation. I'm as ready as I'll ever be (not enough) and raring to go. 

I upped the target a few weeks ago and the total now raised is an amazing £10,131! I am proud to say that my sponsors' donations total £8,969 and for that all I can say is a HUGE thank you to all those amazing people who gave to this great cause. I will think of you all at any point I feel like giving up.

I can tell you now I will cry, I will struggle but I will endeavour to have the most amazing experience to share on my next blog. See you on the other side.

All that remains is ad watch but first, my boys released Paradise today. I loves it I do. Check it out.

I only want to mention one advert with one word: catonkey!

Now, the problem I have with a particular Guzzle Puzzle advert is one of the essentially rude looking sweets has non-consensual sex with another. That said, we're supposed to take sweets up the mountain for little bursts of energy. Judging by the way it leaps into the other, maybe they're the perfect fix for me. Yum! Let's face it, it's going to be the only action at 17,000 feet!

You're so vain...

... you probably think this blog is about you. Well it isn't, it's about me, myself and I.

I don't think I have ever done so much in such a small space of time. I don't want to bore anyone with my tales but some of the highlights are worth sharing and may I start by saying I am SO lucky.

In chronological order, my own vanity begins.

Had my first visit to the wonderful BAFTA to see what was billed as a "Masterclass: Writing for comedy with Miranda Hart". It was more an interview to be honest but all my questions were answered and I got the motivation I was looking for.

I went to Venice on a day trip to see Coldplay perform at the Heineken Jammin Festival and as I was sat on the "wrong" side of the plane, my view as we came into land wasn't the picturesque Venice that I have been lucky enough to visit twice before but a more industrial scene. Turns out me & Jonny got a good view of the festival site and my photo of it wound up on the live blog for their official website. 

It was great seeing everyone again, some of whom I hadn't seen since the Latin American tour. I watched the show from the sound desk with a glass of Italian red and sang my head off. 

I made myself useful too by collecting the hard-drive for Roadie #42 at the end of the set. It was an amazing night and the weather stayed fair for us despite the previous downpours threatening a wet one. On the way home we supped Champagne to celebrate Vicki's birthday and crawled to bed in the small hours.

I did acapella Karaoke with Est & Nic at Vicki's party the night after, once everyone had left. Sang Dolly Parton's 9-5 at the top of our lungs. Got to bed at 3 again. I don't know how I made it through the next day or the following night at another birthday that saw me get to bed at a rather disgraceful 8 in the morning. 

A ditched "Dance like Britney" class means the only training for trek / exercise has been a few trips to a local circuit training centre for ladies who were impressed with hula hooping skills - and one walk around Hampstead Heath with fellow trekkers. Got a walking trip to Dorset coming up. I'm not walking there, but walking when I get there.

I met with my publisher for dinner and that turned into drinks and laughs after going through new ideas that I promised to have sample excerpts of in his inbox before noon the day after.(Celeb spot - the very cool Rich Hall.

I managed to get the work done before hopping on a train to Bristol to see the Halo reunion gig at The Fleece. It was so bizarre being there for the first time in probably ten years. It was so great to hang out with the boys and I managed another 3 a.m night. 

You know when you regret not whipping out the camera for a YouTube moment, well I had one of mammoth proportions. While we waiting to go to an after hours club night, I saw two drunken male friends (of each other, not of mine) who could barely stand. One dropped his trousers and bent over slapping his own arse, not a pretty sight I can tell you, while his friend filmed it on his phone. Two police officers walked by and turned a blind eye. The bare cheeked one waddled after them with his trousers round his ankles before giving up as they walked on oblivious.

I went on a date. Yes, a real one. It was quite good but first impressions aren't always that spot on. He turned out to be a complete **** so won't be seeing him again.

I went to one of my cultural foreign film visits & saw 17 Girls, a film based on real life goings on in Massachusetts where girls made a pact to become pregnant at the same time when one fell pregnant. I didn't enjoy the film or the subject matter but a documentary about the real girls would be of interest. That probably won't happen given their identities are protected because of their young ages. Crikey, I cannot imagine that happening at my school even though two of my friends did have their first child during what would have been term time had they stayed. If there'd been a meeting suggesting any such thing, I'd have been as immovable as I would be now.

Blog interlude: Blackadder.
If we had to compare subsequent careers of Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry, who would we say has had the better path? If I just take one thing for each:
Rowan - Mr. Bean
Tony - Time Team
Hugh - House
Stephen - QI
I'm loving Stephen the best I reckon.


Back to blog:

I decided to skip Glastonbury for reasons I'll keep to myself and as soon as Coldplay took to the stage I immediately regretted the decision and made a promise to myself to never let the reason be the reason again. I sat and drank cider whilst watching and had lots of texts from people as well as my mate Stephen to keep me company. In fact, Stephen decided that the following day we should do something to almost make up for it. We wandered to the Secret Garden (shhhh) and then on to 100 Club for an intimate Alice Cooper show. Special guest was 

Jonny Depp on guitar which caused quite a stir. The aftershow was quite possibly the most sophisticated, decadent aftershow I have ever been to. The food and drink at the W hotel was sublime. A great night out and had a natter with Alice at the end of the night who proved to be an interesting witty fella.

I had a little jaunt to Dublin to see Gina, my oldest friend (as in known the longest, not in age). It's never long enough. I always feel emotional when I leave her. Soft git that I am but she's like a sister to me. I have 2 friends that I wouldn't be surprised if I was to learn we're related and Gina is one of them. Given my known feelings on not wanting my own children, it's always a pleasure to spend time with hers. 

There was a Take That at Wembley show but my experience was that disastrous I'd really rather never mention it again as long as I live! The highlight was having my sis-in-law and her sis staying with me. Thankfully they had a great time.

Once more a friend rescued me the following day to make up for it. I went to fulfil an ambition of 25 years; I saw Grace Jones live. It was so incredible even though I had been abusing the free bar all afternoon but wow, what a lady. Kudos to Sam whom I watched with - a new friend was made. Pulp headlined and all in all a great day was had with a visit to the Met bar to round of the evening. 

T in the Park was something I had been looking forward to. The first night in Glasgow was great, tipsy and let loose in a casino. Watching of course, not gambling. It marked the first night out in what was to become almost 15 on the trot. I have to say that from the second I turned up at T's box office and they gave me the wrong pass, I should have known then how the weekend would go. Beyonce was great fun but the promoters, the jobsworths and the security destroyed my Coldplay experience. So much for skipping Glasto for THAT! Sunday's weather did little to pick me up although seeing Hurts live made me extremely happy. 

The following nights were out meeting friends, drinks, cinema visits (including Bridesmaids and Harry Potter 7 pt ii), parties, comedy, curry and a free treat to We Will Rock You which was fantastic! The last night out for a while culminated in the show that was to make up for Glasto & T; Coldplay at The Roundhouse as part of the iTunes festival. An incredible performance in what seems such an intimate venue these days. Got to hang out with lots of wonderful friends too that night and I really did feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Saturday was a casual day meeting my much missed friend Jake for a late lunch in Camden. Round about the time we left the restaurant, unbeknownst to us at that time, an emergency call was being made from Amy Winehouse's home also in Camden. 
I was on the phone with Vicki when the text came through. I felt sick and prayed it was a hoax. Still on the phone I googled and it confirmed what I suppose I had dreaded years ago. I posted a video online 5 weeks ago criticising the fact she'd been allowed anywhere near a stage. News of her death had a profound effect on me. It took me by surprise. The sadness was overwhelming and although I didn't know her, I knew people that did. I have been a fan for 8 years and bought both albums and was lucky enough to see her live twice. The damning negative toxic spew that has been said since her death makes me very angry as we don't have a clue what's been going on in more recent times. I had hoped people would have more compassion. It's not because she was famous that I care, it is because she was young, talented and very ill. I have heard many people claim that drugs killed her. I say that ultimately her addictions probably did. I think we should all look out for the people we know who suffer at the hands of any addictions or mental health issues. If anyone thinks that drugs are glamourised in the music industry, go and watch YouTube clips of Amy surrounded by anything but glamour...

Thankfully I had a great fun day out yesterday that will lift the sombre mood. My friend Tracy is completing a list of 40 things to do in a year of turning 40. Yesterday she, I & Jude went to Hampton Court's maze and Thorpe Park to tick off, er, 'do the maze at Hampton Court' and 'ride a giant rollercoaster'. I agreed to go cos I fancied the maze bit (bit disappointing to be honest). We all started at the same point and agreed to meet in the centre. It wasn't that big so didn't take long but it wasn't as easy as I had hoped so I got there last!

I was happy to accompany Tracy to the theme park but didn't agree to riding the ride. Stupidly a few nights before I texted to say that I was coming round to the idea that I may actually go on one. BIG mistake. I was held to it and yesterday after bailing out of one queue as the fear had turned to palpable levels, I found myself in the queue for Nemesis Inferno!

I loved it! We then went on a rollercoaster in the dark that went backwards and Tidal Wave - it's not called that for nothing. There wasn't a millimeter of me that wasn't drenched. Super fun! Thank goodness we had the most amazing weather.

There was a sign as we queued that said "You will get very wet on this ride". It wasn't lying. We finished off with a ride called Zodiac that was like what I expect getting into a tumble dryer is like. Handy given how wet were were but by 'eck it was fast and pretty dizzy inducing. It was a brilliant day out but if you fancy it, do take advantage of 2 for 1 tickets as it's £40 each and we only got there at 3.30!

I was going to moan about Matthew Wright's obscene treatment of a 33 year old cancer sufferer on his show but you know what? He's not worth it.

Now for some big news and I may need you to help me out on this one. As you know, I am trekking up Mount Kenya and have been raising money for Trekstock. The amount is still growing but I am looking to raise more. I have decided to do something daft. If you could follow this link to eBay and watch the video, I would appreciate either bids or a tweet / email of the link to as many people as you can send it to.
I won't spoil the surprise so you can benefit from laughing AT me but any help at all in getting this viral asap would be amazing!

Finally to ad watch:
Lots of people love the Birds Eye polar bear but did you know that it was this amazing actor?

A favourite amongst many is the Old Spice, definitely cooler than I remember but has the smell changed? If not, I doubt even the dude on the horse can save it.

I wanted to mention a few ads that 'borrow' familiar tunes to advertise with soundalike tunes. Currently doing the rounds are a Coldplay, an Elbow and a Rihanna. They seem to be mostly insurance companies so good enough reason not to link to them. They're not subtle enough to not notice but I guess I am nepotistic when it comes to Coldplay. 
But then, I did say something about vanity at the start of this blog. 
If the cap fits...

Miss May

I took off my clothes and lay waiting for him. His hands were warm. He asked if it was hard enough, I replied I'd like it harder. He said that he usually used his elbows... whoa! You haven't stumbled upon some kind of soft porn fiction or any intimate diary by mistake. This was my first encounter of a male masseur. I wasn't even asked if it was ok. It was more than ok though, he was great. Hailing from Tibet he slipped me his card (what did you think I was going to say?) as I left so I could book him privately. Oh come on, stop with the filth you lot!


The word massage comes from the French word meaning "friction of kneading" which is something I did earlier. With dough. I tried to make fresh ravioli but had a couple of disasters. I don't know why I changed my mind at the last moment but I did. I went for a different recipe and a different technique. It was a total flop. My food processor is knackered courtesy of James Redmond and Paul Foot breaking it on Celebrity Come Dine With Me. I then decided to use my blender (totally different and stupid idea). I ditched that for a good old fashioned bowl although I wish I'd done the entire thing on the worktop. Hey ho, it didn't quite look right so I made just one little parcel filled with ricotta and spinach. It wasn't as bad as it looked but I think I need to try again another day.


How did I miss blogging for the whole month of May? I have no idea but I must have been busy. There was Easter weekend which didn't quite go as planned due to something someone out of my control. Miss May was referring to that by the way, not one Imogen Thomas. May I comment? (Excuse that bad pun, I assure you it was accidental). I think I am allowed to. What did she expect getting involved with a married man? I'm afraid I have no sympathy as that's saved for his family. Actually 'him' who can be named (I hope) is Ryan Giggs and today more allegations came out. I know that people cheat and it's a common fact of life but if someone pressed pause on your life just before the lustful deed and fast forwarded to the end, consequences and all I wonder how many people just wouldn't bother? 

May has gone, it's June so half way through the year feels as good a time as any to see how my New Year list is going.

Stop smoking. Still not had one. Not missing it all but... Since giving up smoking I seem to have piled on the pounds and because I like a tipple, it's just not shifting.
Keep a food diary. Oops, every so often I do but not enough.
Drink between 1-2 litres of water /day and keep skin hydrated. Nope. I am rubbish at this. I have no excuses. None.
Reduce alcohol intake. I do actively have days where I will make sure I don't drink any booze but there have been so many social gatherings it's been hard.
Up the fruit & veg intake. Not much. 
Take a digestive enzyme. I ran out of them. I can't afford luxuries!
Meditate once/twice a week. Erm, next!
Attempt to improve sleep and change patterns. Ah well apart from crazy 3/4 a.m nights the sleep has improved. Patterns not so much. I'm finding it hard to adjust to being awoken at 4.30 every morning (birds are noisy little blighters). 
Get out in the fresh air every day. Almost every day I do go out and have been walking a LOT. Mind you I do have a balcony so technically it's not hard for me to get out in the fresh air at any given moment.
Be more exposed to daylight - stop being a vampire! I have no choice to be frank. I do wear my eye mask in the early hours but this flat is very light & bright.
Exfoliate once a week. This isn't going well is it? Every other week? Maybe.
Improve posture. Oh dear. I try when I remember. I forget a lot.
Massage/treatment every 6 weeks. Oooh now I have probably done better on averages here. I have had 3 in 6 weeks. Phew, at least something is going well.
Hair cut every 3 months. Ha ha ha! I had my haircut on Thursday. That was first time since 11th February.
Budget wisely and make sure that I am debt free by December 31st 2011. I am budgeting but again, not by choice. I am broke. There's never anything left at the end of the month and it's the first time in about 9 years I have been in this situation. I HATE it. So what am I doing about it? I'll tell you next time!

Maybe I should print the list and stick it up somewhere I can see it?!? 

I pushed my nerves to try something very new. I attended a voice over workshop and have to say that I didn't mind the playback half as much as the recording. I've been in vocal booths before but there's something about performing that does make me very nervous. There were only 3 people listening to me but it made me self-conscious. It was a great adrenalin kick and apparently I wasn't bad.


I'm finding training difficult in terms of trying to get fit. I am still very much struggling with uphill walking/running too. Jogging feels so unnatural to me but I'm trying to raise my stamina and levels of fitness. I'm not dreading the trek just yet though as I still have over 3 months training to go. Oooh speaking of:






As usual I have spent quality time with many good friends having a ball but I have to say that one particular highlight was going to see my boys perform at the Forum for family & friends. I haven't seen Coldplay in that venue since 1999 and to see them back there again with 4 albums under their belt about to embark on the festival circuit was a treat. Reports back from the first 2 nights are incredible and I can't wait to see them on a big stage in a field somewhere soon.


There have been birthdays, a marriage, the end of a friendship, new friends made, a visit to see the family, a birth and sadly a death. 


Hopefully the next time I write there'll be no bad news and I'll be a few pounds lighter, but not in my wallet!
x


Here's the latest instalment of ad watch:
I don't care much for what's going on at 31 Bywell Avenue quite frankly. Why is Danielle covering her bits? More worryingly why is the lady in senior years commenting on her being tidy? I doubt she knows that much about grooming nether regions. Silly.


Which is a word I would also use to describe whoever thought that Suremen is a good brand name for a male deodorant. Condoms maybe given it looks like it's called semen. What? Oh come on, I set the tone right from the start. Blame the hot weather.


Last on the list is a local and I feel I must apologise as I have met him and he's lovely but by 'eck Vernon's Mum is a much better actor than him.  


As summer is almost here maybe next time I will have a perfume ad special featuring hot men I fancy. Perfume ads are just so sexy. Taking off their clothes as they lie waiting... Oh we did that already didn't we?

Red, Whites and Blue

Ah I am feeling quite relaxed this evening thanks to Anila at The Retreat for one of the best massages I've had in a long time and a lush facial. I was already loving this week because it's the start of 4 days on, 4 days off, 4 days on, 4 days off due to blissful Easter, Bank Holiday and the Royal Wedding. Did you know (if you didn't can you believe) that you can knit your own royal wedding?

Ah my poor brother, he made the pilgrimage to Wembley yesterday along with many other Bolton fans to watch a pitiful, disgraceful, embarrassing defeat to Stoke. Not just a near miss either, a 5-0 whipping. The whites couldn't even get one past in memory of Nat. 

I expected a Bolton vs. Manchester final... The previous day the Manchester derby saw the blues take on the mighty reds and win.

What is the darned difference between the names given to trousers that are not full length? I remember being about 10 years old and having a pair of black taffeta knickerbockers. When I was about 12 I had a pair of green pedal pushers (with matching top). When I was 17 I got a pair of black capri pants. Last year I sported some cropped jeans. 
I pondered this very conundrum on my hour bus journey home at 1 a.m on my way back from All Star Lanes where I ate, drank, sang and bowled at my primary school friend Sally's 50s themed hen do. 

I was dressed in the exact black capri pants that I got when I was 17. And no, before you ask, that was not back in the 50s.


What's the point in bus countdowns that lie? I was on my way to another 50s themed event - Million Dollar Quartet (thanks Ben!) - the night before. Waiting for the 214, the countdown was at 6 mins. When it read "due" the C2 was next in line at 4 mins with the following 214 being next at 18 mins. Hang on though, 18 minutes? How can that possibly be when they're supposed to run every 6-8 minutes and I was only 2 stops from the very first stop? While standing perplexed at that, I noticed the due 214 disappeared from the countdown and didn't show up! I could have and should walked.


Speaking of, the trek training is going ok but only in the urban sense of walking from A-B (apart from the above bus journey) I've been fast walking everywhere - in my trainers. I'm not happy about the fashion as it's not going to help in the pulling stakes but I guess fast walking in normal footwear makes me look impatient or weird. The donations have been coming in and I am so grateful for every penny. A special mention to my lovely friends who generously bumped the total up to an astounding amount!



There's a lot of crime about. I was victim of a crime the other week in fact. Well ok, I wasn't but the robbing donkeys! Well, not exactly rob. Basically one of the horses I backed won the Grand National - yay! I also had an each way bet on the 5th place. The bookies wouldn't pay out on that though because it was placed using a free bet. Hmmm, so they gave me a free bet just for fun? 
I was witness to a double crime the other day. A man in a white van was driving whilst on his mobile phone and smoking. The smoking bit is illegal because he was in his place of work (stupid law) though to be fair, smoking whilst driving should be banned. I can say that as an ex-smoker of course but I confess I had a couple of incidents which could have involved an accident; dropping a lit cigarette being one.


Ooh just to interject, I saw smoke coming out of a closed down shop today which had its shutters down. People were stood outside staring at it and talking about it. Someone called the fire brigade and alerted the people either side and above in offices but nobody moved away. It was only when I pointed out the shop used to sell helium balloons and may still have canisters that could explode at any minute that anyone moved an inch back. One guy even tried to open the METAL shutter. 
I have yet to find out what happened but sure it'll be on YouTube as some folk were filming.


Back to crime busting... so the woman in the car in front of the man in a van was driving (child in passenger seat) whilst writing. Not just a wee scribble of a note either. The traffic was slow moving but she had an A4 pad on her lap, no hands on the wheel and managed to write half a page whilst slowly edging forwards. 


I love the bus for witnessing strange goings on. Like the woman driving the wrong way down the pavement and getting her car stuck at the bollards. Like the man who announced to the driver that even as a trained acrobat he wasn't able to withstand the jolty driving ending with him getting violent, threatening passengers, drivers and bus. The bus won). 


I had the pleasure of attending the MAK gig at the beautiful Union Chapel. Both Badly Drawn Boy and The Travelling Band were great. The night didn't end; got home at 7 a.m with many highlights to keep me company but need to share this - thanks to Phil at Gerry's for that gem.


I have become addicted to TV. It's not good, I had done without it for so long and now I am hooked in. It's a great source of material for anyone wanting to rant though. Ahem.
I could not give one **** what Katie did next or what the next chapter is for Peter and Kerry - who seem to have the same named reality shows - or the Essex way or see that smug James Brown (not, that James Brown) try and find a great hairdresser...
But I did sit glued to Eastenders' climax of the baby swap story. I stayed at The Hotel a few years ago so had to watch that too. 


Speaking of hotels, why is The Hotel Inspector on Channel 5 sponsored by Playtex? I know Alex Polizzi has large breasts but what a strange choice. I wonder if she gets free bras?


I have noticed whilst channel hopping there is a plethora of +1 channels available but strangely no Channel Five +1. (Whoever said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit is a liar by the way).


Coldplay very kindly retweeted my twitter experiment. I posted asking if people fancied sponsoring me £1. I thought if 50 people donated, that would raise £50 (duh) and through their tweet I actually got 6 donations but they totalled £110. Result!
If anyone wants to join the £1 challenge, I'd be eternally grateful if you'd like to donate here. Except my brother who knows I hold him to a blackmail.


Second installment of ad watch:


I love the new IKEA advert. No need to explain.


The other ad that has caught my attention is rather a sensitive one. I mean, who wants to see a commercial for trimming lady gardens? If it isn't bad enough they end it with "...whatever your style. Free your skin." Ridiculous.
Short back and sides anyone?  


Did you know that isit is a word? Is it? Yes it is. And it sort of means exactly what it sounds like it should mean. If you've been listening, now would be a good time to say it.
Isit.

Ketchup Catsup

Are you feeling fonder of me now? That was quite an absence.
Before anyone gets worried when they read this, don't.
I took February off because it's full of feelings I can't shake and this year it started with a brand new pain so I ducked out. It would be remiss of me not to mention its stand out moment though. I moved home and I have to say I have never been happier since I did. It's the first time in my life I have chosen to live alone and I'm loving it. February can get stuffed and I shall embrace the next one.


So, what's new? Probably best to skim over the lost time or I'll be here all night. Shall we start with where I am in relation to the wellbeing 2011 plan?
I still haven't had a cigarette. It's strange I didn't even think of having one when February smacked me in the face (ok, so I'll leave February alone now. It's not like the actual month is to blame and it's such a harmless short arse of a month).
The Bikram was sabotaged because of some sinus shenanigans. 8 weeks later I still have those problems; maybe the Bikram environment itself is to blame?
I did complete gym membership and managed to squeeze a few visits in despite sinuses. The food diary hasn't been in full effect but I've been baking & cooking which means I've been more aware of what's in my meals I suppose. I'd forgotten how much I loved cooking but deffo need to improve my culinary skills.
More exposure to daylight comes courtesy of the new flat and due to the harshness of daybreak into my bedroom at an ungodly hour, I have been getting to bed a little earlier too. I swear I am a vampire. It's like being blinded by light every morning but I am getting used to it. Also getting used to the freakish foxes and their mating season. Jeez they're noisy blighters. So are the gang of crows. I didn't make a mistake in calling them a gang either as I'm pretty sure they're waiting there at stupid o' clock to beat up on some poor defenceless bird - other than me.
Been walking a lot - two and half hours yesterday alone. Actually I jogged some of it. Ha that sounded smug didn't it? That's because even I am impressed!!
I'm achieving quite a lot on the list but cutting back on booze and drinking more water are high on my April onwards agenda.


It may be helped by the fact I've signed up to climb a mountain in September for the charity Trekstock which is no walk in the park. Well, it is. Mount Kenya National Park to be exact. It's an amazing charity and I have been supporting them for a while now but I decided it was time for a challenge. 


In other news I am delighted to announce the arrival of my 4.7lb bundle of joy. No, you didn't miss something, I took ownership of a new MacBook. I am quite giddy with it.


I'm so lucky right now because despite being held to a tight budget from tomorrow, I do many great free things. I've started going to film screenings at the Everyman cinema in Hampstead with Q&As with directors as well as attending my first Literary Salon which I thoroughly enjoyed. The next one was even better because Helen Fielding was there reading from her initial notes of Bridget Jones 3 and told us what was going to happen. It was all rather exciting as we sat making audible gasps whilst sipping our G&Ts courtesy of Hendrick's. 
Even walking around my local area is a delight. The views I have over London are pretty amazing. From the top of my street I can see the dome of St. Pauls, The London Eye, O2, Battersea power station... spectacular.
I've managed to book a few things in before the purse strings tighten including massages, trip up North to see the family, trip to Em's wedding, and a non-realted hen do. I won't be missing out that's for sure though the aim is to write, write and write some more. I began editing novel notes last week so am entering a new phase of motivation. ITV 4 running the Rocky series reminded me to perhaps start every day with Rocky's theme because if that doesn't get me going, I don't know what will.


James A treated me to Priscilla which was camptastic! I haven't seen the film but that didn't matter. All the songs were contemporary pop songs and we had a ball.
Tracy & I went to see Chicago which was rather disappointing due to members of the audience having no theatre etiquette whatsoever. It didn't have the greatest vocal performances ever but no matter, we enjoyed ourselves with the help of quantities of fizz and a love of the songs. 


Speaking of disappointments, Secret Cinema lost their touch on their last outing in my opinion (we got stuck with Valentine's Night too which wasn't my preferred option) with very little cohesion between the event itself and the film. The Red Shoes was superb but the fact I had spent a lot of dosh on my outfit which remained concealed by my coat due to the arctic temperatures did little to raise my enthusiasm. I'm going to skip April's and catch them up in May.


It was lovely to see some old friends/family in the past 8 weeks, makes me realise I want to make more time to do that. Just as well because I have a few more visitors and visits already booked.


So after a brief filling in on what I've been doing, what's been filling my head?


There's been teething troubles with the move, general nuisances, annoyances, grievances and the aforementioned sadness opened up grumbles but to be honest after the terrible tragedies in Japan and the devastation its people are enduring it feels so very wrong to moan and complain about anything so I won't.


As I've been away a while I don't want to come back and leave you in gloom so I will lighten the mood a little.


I've decided that I will be having an ad watch section in every subsequent blog given there are so many that attract my attention.  for varying reasons. I sometimes think an ad is sheer brilliance but not doing its job as I can't remember what they're selling! I shall start it off with the following to ease us in:


That bloke who used to be on Eastenders (yes, I know that doesn't narrow it down much) who's trying to get you to claim insurance, he says that you could accept it as fate or say "I absolutely did not deserve that". Hmm I can't help think that I'd probably be swearing like a mad man rather than any zen like calm. 


You are what you eat ad for sweetcorn is a golden oldie but hang on, let's take a closer look. Apparently if you eat French fries you'll be French and runner beans you'll be a runner. Surely it follows then that if you eat Green Giant sweetcorn you'll be green? 


Finally before I sign off. If I adopt a puppy it will write to me. How? It's not like it's a cat with thumbs is it?


Miaow.

The sky's the limit

Forget sexism in football for a minute, something far more urgent caught my eye. A pilot was too drunk to fly a passenger plane. Apparently he was more than four times the legal alcohol limit for pilots. Now it's not actually the fact he was four times over(four times though, my God!) that bothers me it's the fact there is a "legal limit" in place at all. I don't recall ever hearing a pilot slur his words but there have been a few of them who on recollection I thought were trying their hand at comedy. Maybe they were a bit merry? Are some of them secretly swigging the minatures over the white cliffs of Dover? Are some helping themselves to the free flowing booze on long-haul somewhere over the Atlantic?
Passengers are often thrown off (not mid-air of course) for getting drunk on flights but the bloody pilot?
He was also over the legal driving limit. I wonder if he drove himself to the airport?
He's been jailed for 6 months by the way. I reckon a drunk driver would get less. When you think about it both are absolutely abhorrent and yet one is penalized more than the other. 

Speaking of sky & penalties I'll go back to the nonsense that occurred with Richard Keys and Andy Gray at the weekend. A recording was leaked of the two Sky Sports commentators making sexist remarks about a female linesman (er, lineswoman/person?)Oh she was the assistant referee wasn't she? Anyway sorry for being glib but I just laughed when I heard the pair of daft tits (or for the purposes of this perhaps testicles would be more fitting). It just embarrassed them and showed them up being misogynistic at work. What woman hasn't encountered that? Their work just happens to be a male dominated sport that doesn't usually have women on the pitch. It was only a matter of time of course but I can imagine there were hundreds of men watching Liverpool v Wolves saying exactly the same thing. No it is not acceptable but it goes on every single day for so many. Mostly behind closed doors or in the pub (ha ha I am now stereotyping gentlemen to be drinkers).
Lest we forget women are sexist too. 
I recall a girl at a place I worked once pinching the behind of our (very handsome) post guy and he reported her. I wanted to shake his hand. The majority of people couldn't believe he had taken it to that stage but why shouldn't he? We encourage women to do that don't we? It's a two way street. Both sexes objectify (just switch on ITV at 12.30 weekdays to see women do rather a lot of it) but men seem to take the heat for it more. I don't think I would have sacked them. An apology and then community service of washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning...  I jest of course, what I'd really like to know is who is drawing the line and indeed, where is it?
Is is not acceptable depending on your status/celebrity? (P.M, TV personality etc.)
Is it accpetable to think it but not say it out loud?
Is it ok to say it out loud but but not overheard?
Is it ok to be overheard as long as you're not recorded?
Who is leaking these "private" conversations?
Given the stuff I say "off the record" it makes me want to turn to elective mutism. A lot of people would welcome that.

30 days to go until I move. I'm so excited.I went to Ikea with Tracy last week and bought new bedding, crockery, cutlery and glasses for my new place. It's quite strange buying stuff that I used to have. It's like every time I do I start a new chapter so it's quite therapeutic even if expensive.
We spent ages sitting at tables and trying out chairs. Looked at shelves too but realised as I lay awake last night that there isn't room to actually build these flat pack things once I get them in! Picked a sofa bed so people can stay. Not sure it will open out though as it really is a small place. On my way to Tracy's I went down a certain road and saw 3 interesting shop names all in the space of two blocks.
The bravely named Sweat Shop was as you may expect selling fitness attire not full of under paid or under aged workers.
Chompoo Thai restaurant proprietors obviously hadn't bothered to look into the meaning of their name to English speakers. It's certainly not selling the idea of eating there to me!
Finally the Master Chef cafe that looked anything but. Roux Jr. probably (most definitely didn't) ever start his career there.
(Apologies to any of these places that may discover I have ridiculed them).

Time to mention Bikram Yoga. I went tonight (my 14th out of 23) after work and it was my favourite class so far. The heater was fixed last week so the heat has become unbearable the past few days. Yesterday for example when I was upside down I saw the woman behind me (now sort of in front of me) was wearing a 'watch' with the temperature clearly showing a dizzy, panic inducing 111 degrees. I was so close to giving up. I wanted to run to the windows and make a break for it. Tonight was great though. There had been no class since 10.15 so the room hadn't had chance to fire up quite the same.
The characters there are still disctracting me for various reasons. I had the misfortune to be next to a proper panter, grunter snot beast last week. He was grossing me out. I made a mental note to avoid him in future. Someone's toes touched my mat in one class and I yanked it away as quickly as possible. Not very serene I know but ugh! There is one woman who is in a lot of my classes no matter when I go. She turns up in full workout clothes, always stands at the back of the room in the same spot and peels off a layer every so often. First the sweat pants come off (such an apt name), then the zipped long-sleeved top, then the shorts that I saw her wring out over herself (I know that's disgusting right?) which leaves her working out in a low cut swimsuit. The girl needs a wax that's all I'm saying.
There's a notice saying if you're lucky enough to sweat a lot and detoxify, please use 2 or 3 mats so the carpet doesn't get damaged. This woman is doing yoga in a puddle people. A puddle of her own sweat on her own mat. Her own very thin, single mat. Not 2 or 3. That wouldn't be enough anyway. The thing is she also decides to ignore the teacher and goes at her own pace so when we've all done our sit up with exhales as one unit, she's not even started so you hear her seconds later. I am still practicing yoga with a poker face but things like that upset my equilibrium and poker face is exactly what I want to do to her (sic)...

The Joys of Teen Sex... er am I getting old or does my prudish know no bounds? What in God's name is going on? There was no such thing on TV when I was a teenager it was a case of learning on the job as it were. I saw the trailers for it and decided that as I am not a teenager, I do not have teenagers and don't have sex with teenagers (well... that's another story for another blog) there's nothing in that show for me. But one could argue that I am not a fat gypsy, haven't got any fat gyspy friends and won't be attending a fat gypsy wedding anytime soon but I still saw the most frightening 5 minutes of television when accidentally stumbling upon that show this week.
My Holy Communion dress was much more conservative that the frock shocks these girls were wearing. It wasn't just the horrfic outfits that had me jaw dropped but the insane confidence of these children coupled with the most provocative dancing since Rihanna & Christina's X-rated X Factor appearances. These kids were gyrating and doing a squat thrust move that wouldn't have looked out of place on the Joys of Teen Sex quite frankly.

The 10 o' Clock show was better than the critics said in my opinion. I don't think it's the greatest idea for a news show and think it will struggle in longevity. My favourite bit was an interview with Bjorn Lomborg conducted by Jimmy Carr. He said "you put the mental in environmentalist" to which Bjorn replied that no he actually "put the sensible in environmentalist". In closing he addressed the audience with another over the head remark: "I'm sure we all agree we'd love to see Bjorn again. Ha!

Enjoyed The Social Network but (don't hate me) I really didn't like Black Swan at all. Saw another film I can't dicsuss but when I can, I will (along with the other one I mentioned a few weeks back). Other than that I have had a busy week writing more on my script and am fired up about book ideas that have been coming. Let's hope more people read it than this eh?

Finally some light relief... this is doing the rounds so you may already have seen it. Go to Google Maps and "get directions" from USA to China. Check out point 31. I'm thinking of doing it - beats taking a plane...

Over & under offers

I know it's been a while but at least that means you're guaranteed more than yoga news. Might as well start with that though eh?
I have so far been 9 times out of 14. I have unleashed aforementioned manoeuvre. I have smiled at Adonis but haven't been going to many of the same classes so I arrive as he's leaving. There's another eye candy to replace him that almost made me topple over today when I should have been concentrating on my one tree balance.
I was telling my Dad about Bikram yoga and I don't think he quite understood the concept as he said in all seriousness "do you have a sauna afterwards?"
One Sunday I got there half an hour early and stupidly lay in the Savasana (corpse pose) for that time before class. Two hours in 100 degree heat, am I insane? I suffered that day; it was too hard.
I'm doing ok at it though and do miss it when I skip it. It's like most exercise I hate it while I'm there but feel great afterwards. I have been going to the gym as well. In fact yesterday I did an hour there and then straight to yoga afterwards. Before you think I must be shrinking away, I am not. That disappearing weight reappeared. I am not detoxing either but I still haven't smoked nor have I wanted to.
I ran for a bus the other day and wasn't the slightest bit out of breath. I cannot remember the last time I could do that.

Remember my wellbeing list? Clearly posture and meditation are in the yoga routine. The food diary isn't going well. Not well at all. I keep forgetting to fill it in. I am drinking water but   not enough. The fruit & veg mission isn't going too badly. Same goes for the fresh air/daylight intake.
That leaves sleep - I am finally sleeping better and getting to bed earlier on some nights. It's the first time in 22 months. I still wake up after an hour and continue to do so but I feel it's a better quality of sleep. I tried an experiment one night that failed miserably. The iPhone* has an app for monitoring sleep. You set it and put it by your pillow and it tells you in the morning how you slept. It recorded my deep sleep and was supposed to work out the best time to wake me up. However, it said that I had slept for 9.22 hours and according to it, I hadn't been to the toilet 3 times because I was in such a deep sleep. I felt more groggy from that night than any other.

*I bought an iPhone to replace mine that as I write is sat next to me not wanting to switch off or perform any task. It has no network service for half the day and is slowly driving me mad. Maybe mine getting stolen was a sign. There's a bit more about the thief later on...

My friend Mark came to my aid to help me get my car back on the road to get it off my road. He came to look at it, wrote & placed an ad for it, found a battery for it and even fitted it. I cleaned it, valeted it (yes it needed both), put air in its tyres, photographed it and drove it. Ahhh I had forgotten how great it was to drive. I had also forgotten how angry other drivers make me. Saturday the car came in handy for flat viewing being a very blustery Saturday. The first one I saw made me reconsider getting rid of it as it was quite a trek up a hill to the property and nowhere near a tube or Overground station. I'm moving in next month! Oh my God I am in love with it. It is teeny but so amazing. It's on a private estate steeped in history and has the most astounding views of London. No more looking at To Let ads that should read Toilet. While I am talking about ads, good grief Gumtree is full of scammers who want around £600 before you view "their" flat via Western Union. Unbelievable. Surely people don't fall for that crap do they??

My ad faired better. The car sold to the first viewer after a bidding war ensued and I got £150 more than I asked for it. Result.
Blue Monday was one of the happiest days for me as I took the cash from the car sale to put down as deposit on my flat. It was only dampened by the news that when my phone was nicked in December the thief ran up bills to Romania of £90 in one day and I had to pay for them. I feel like ringing the number on my bill and telling them to tell their friend I said they're a robbing *******!

As part of the culture diary there was a visit to the cinema to see The King's Speech - excellent. A new pastime has been started also. I went to the taping of "That Sunday Night Show" (ITV - Frank Skinner saved it), "It's Your Round" (Radio 4) and tomorrow am off to "10 o' Clock Live" (Channel 4). It's a money saving way to spend an evening and it's incorporating comedy so getting a giggle too.

Nice link to my comedy. I had a meeting about my TV series and that went well - looks like we may be filming our own pilot and pitching it to companies as someone else was very interested in getting involved in my project. I haven't had time to write much but will when I move and get settled.
Nice link to writing. Sent my chapter notes to the publisher today for the novel so there's a lot to of work to do there as well. It's a good job I have the most magnificent flat to write in that even Dickens visited frequently.

No link there but thought I'd end with a recommendation. I went to a lovely vegetarian restaurant in Soho last week - Mildreds. There was a wait but it was worth it. I didn't notice the old pornographic photos on the wall until we were half way through eating. On closer inspection, some of them were too...